Overdue

Considering the almost-several dozen emails and comments I've received asking for an update, I guess it's time to break the silence. I'm sorry I haven't updated or responded to emails or peeped to say Hi! I'm alive! but honestly, I've been pinching myself pretty hard these last few weeks to convince myself of this fact. I have bruises to prove it.

I think I've reached the end of what I can plausibly say is a normal amount of loss in, say, a six-month span of time. And it's kind of fucking with my head. Or that part we refer to as the heart, I don't know. All I know is that I'm tired, so very very tired.

I lost someone dear to me in November.  My mom announced her cancer diagnosis January 1st.  Somewhere between those dates a friend decided we weren't actually friends which made me sad momentarily but was ultimately pushed aside by Sadder and more Serious issues. It's a loss, certainly, but one I can't do much about. I wish I could, and it would have been nice to have her on my team right now, but she's not and I kind of understand why even if I don't agree with with it. Anyway, that's that. My mom had surgery, a couple weeks went by before the results came back, and when they did we found out she has invasive lobular carcinoma, grade three. She was told it was stage three but that there was no lymph node involvement, which confuses me. I would have pressed to find out more, but then two days after we found out her diagnosis, our friend passed away unexpectedly.

Gail was a friend of my mom's and her daughter, Jessica, is one of my best and probably oldest friends. She was only a couple years older than my mom. I saw her when I went back for my mom's surgery. Jessica dropped by her mom's house when they were supposed to go out one night, Gail didn't feel well so decided to stay in, and when Jessica dropped by a couple hours later her mom was dead.

Gail was my other mom, the other woman in my life who was always there. She took us to the beach, and introduced me to Havarti and lentil soup, and spent two hours with me on the phone while I sat in a closet to get away from my roommate. She was loving and funny and vivacious and caring. And now she is gone.

This is the thing -- my mom's diagnosis was worse than we expected. My surrogate mother died leaving one of my best friends completely bereft. And I haven't been able to cry about either situation. Fuck, I haven't even been able to feel sad.

I don't feel anything right now. A bit angry, I guess. But otherwise . . . nothing. I literally haven't had anything more than slightly damp eyes for Gail. Intellectually I feel terrible for Jessica and everything she is bound to go through, I feel bad for myself, but I can't actually feel the loss. My mom starts chemo in a few weeks for a cancer which is rather aggressive and likely to show up in the other breast, but I don't even think about what that might mean. And when I do, I'm detached.

When my friend was killed in November, I spiralled into such a depression, I scared myself. When I found out my mom had cancer, I was devastated. But I think I've reached my capacity. I can't process any more bad news. And it worries me. I think it's keeping me from experiencing emotions I should probably be experiencing. I can't even imagine what it must look like to other people. I can't even imagine how it might play out in the future.

Sometimes when I find myself talking to people about what's been happening in my life lately, I wonder if they think I make it all up. Because it just seems like too much.

Comments

[Rae]

I'm so sorry, really. I understand the feeling of it all just being too much. I know there's nothing I can say to make that feeling go away, I'm just so sorry.

[Aurelia]

I'm so sorry to hear about all this. There have been a few points in my own life when I felt this way. At some point, the crisii (plural of crisis?) passed, and after a time I found myself crying, but in the oddest places. Like over a TV show, or a commercial but not my real life losses. Therapy helped I think, or maybe just time.

[Aurelia]

I'm so sorry to hear about all this. There have been a few points in my own life when I felt this way. At some point, the crisii (plural of crisis?) passed, and after a time I found myself crying, but in the oddest places. Like over a TV show, or a commercial but not my real life losses. Therapy helped I think, or maybe just time.

[Aurelia]

I'm so sorry to hear about all this. There have been a few points in my own life when I felt this way. At some point, the crisii (plural of crisis?) passed, and after a time I found myself crying, but in the oddest places. Like over a TV show, or a commercial but not my real life losses. Therapy helped I think, or maybe just time.

[Duchess]

I am so sorry that your load is overflowing. I wish I could carry some of this for you. Thank you for the update.

[Marisa]

Fuck what other people think or say. Everybody deals with loss in their own way, no one should judge which way is the "right" way.

There is only so much one person can take. Try to take care of yourself (hard to do since your mom is going to need your support) and get the help you need from whoever.

I'm sorry that you have had so much to deal with.

[Leggy]

OMG- I'm sorry that life is just so sh*tty right now. What an awful series of events in such a short time period. Deal with it however you need to, your mind will handle it (or not) in the way it knows is best for you.
Crap, I'm just really sorry. My prayers for your mom...

[jen]

I think that when we are on overload, we dissociate and kind of withdraw from the emotion. To protect ourselves really. I don't blame you for feeling spent after so many simultaneous losses. I am so sorry my friend, and will keep your friend and your mom in my thoughts. Please write as much as you need or want to.

[Becki]

I think your detachment is perfectly understandable; how much pain and loss can one heart bear? I, too, wish I could bear some of it for you, but all I can do is care and hope that you're okay.

[nicole]

it is too much. and it sucks. we have an amazing capacity for love and pain. the love we tend to feel immediately, the pain can take a lifetime to really come out. we endure despite it all...because we have no choice.

sending you hugs.

[Carrie]

I am so sorry about all of this. You've endured far more than anyone should be expected to handle.

You're right about the disconnect of your emotions. It does sound like you're dissociating from some of these events and that's actually the brains way of protecting you. When we get hit with too much emotionally, particularly traumas, our brains shut down to a certain extent. To what extent depends on how your body is handling it all. Don't push yourself to cry or to be like anyone else. Just take things day by day.

You've got a lot ahead of you and a person can only deal with so much. Be good to yourself. Processing will come when it's time. I hope you've got a therapist of some sort available to you. Not because there's anything wrong with you, I just find it very helpful to have that additional support. And you do deserve all the support you can get. {{Hug}}

[Spike]

Ahh, fuckerbarf...

I am so sorry it's being so intense and so shitty.
Best wishes for you and your mom and your sister in all this.
Drop me an e-mail if you wanna scream privately.

Spike

[Rebecca Salem]

Just a lurker here, I have posted before about breast cancer and genetic testing. Just wanted to say I am sorry for all your trials and to let you know that my mother was also diagnosed with invasive lobular carcinoma stage three and is doing beautifully almost a year later. While lobular carcinoma is serious it is not as aggressive as ductal cancer and is generally very treatable. That being said, it sucks and it is very scary. Again, if you have any questions or want to talk to someone who has gone through this, feel free to email me. I'll pray for you and your family.

[Terri]

Jesus, hon, when it rains, it pours. It all IS too much, and I hope you and your family are able to keep your chins up as much as you possibly can. I hope things turn around for you soon, and you start receiving good news and good things. xoxo

[Jeannette]

Louise I hope the turmoil is settling out a bit. Your mom has the exact same diagnosis I had. If I can help in anyway, please let me know. There are gazillions of resources for information, but I know the need goes beyond information to needing peace. Praying for your mom...and you too. Hugs.

[Minerva]

Oh you poor poor thing.. I remember when something similar happened to me, and I felt tired all the time.. My therapist at the time said that that was the body's way of dealing with so much emotion.. And it is true...

It will come out in other ways and you will get there.. just talk as little or as much as you need...

Thinking of you,

Minerva